Tag Archives: communication

The nod

When I lived in China, if I passed a foreigner, an ex-pat, I got ‘the nod’. It didn’t matter if the person was British, East Indian, Australian, Japanese, or American, they were from another country and I got an acknowledging nod. We were in Dalian, North East China, and of all the foreigners, the Russians were most abundant. The Russians would not give you the nod, even if you gave them one. It was weird.

I got to know a few Russians while in Dalian and they were all very nice, but seeing a Russian stranger on the street, or in a shopping mall, they would give you a quick glance, decide you are not ‘one of them’, and look away. Never the nod.

It’s funny, one of my daughters once asked, “Do you think that they think we are American?” Because we were often asked (in Chinese) by locals if we were American? (Nǐ shì měiguó rén ma?) To which we would answer ‘Canadian’ (Jiānádà rén). Then the person would smile and be even more friendly. My kids picked this up pretty quickly and figured the Russians were assuming we were American.

Here in Canada I get the nod from people of Middle Eastern descent. It happened last night, when I was in a Lebanese Donair shop. I ordered my large, spicy, extra lamb donair, paid and walked along the counter to where I pick it up. Directly in front of me I made eye contact with a young man sitting and enjoying his meal, and he gave me the nod. I returned it with a smile. That was the whole exchange, nothing more. The knowing, ‘you are one of us’ nod.

Oddly enough, I have a Russian grandfather, and my Middle Eastern ancestry is that I’m 50% Ashkenazi Jew. So, the Russian in Dalian that shrugged off without the nod had no idea I actually had heritage, and the Middle Eastern in Canada would probably be surprised to know that my heritage is Jewish. And the Chinese in China had no idea my Grandmother was Chinese.

I’m used to not fitting in a cultural box. As I mentioned before, “I have a look that Italians mistake for Greek, and Greeks mistake for Italian. I am neither.” I am ‘white’ but with a combined heritage of being 75% Ashkenazi Jewish and Chinese, I don’t readily identify as white… other than the privilege I know that I ‘wear’.

But the nod is not about that. The nod is not really about nationality or heritage, it’s about sharing a common experience. It doesn’t matter if the nod is a case of mistaken identity, it doesn’t matter if you are from different parts of the world. The nod is a way that two human beings connect and say “I see you.” And it’s a beautiful thing.

Ain’t no such thing

I was having a text conversation with a friend and he accidentally used the wrong punctuation, and then corrected himself. But I read it as him answering his own question.

I hope so?

So!

He meant to say ‘I hope so!’ As in I hope I can make it. I interpreted it as him hoping so but not sure? Then being sure and saying, ‘So!’ As in yes I can. Mainly because I wasn’t watching my phone and didn’t know the messages came one right after the other, thinking there was a delay between the two. So we texted back and forth and he jokingly said, “And here I go thinking text communication is the most perfect and clear form of communication.”

Then I said, “In communication and transportation there ain’t no such thing as perfect.”

He replied, ‘Lol. Good one’, to which I replied, ‘Might be a blog post’.

Two things come to mind. First, the quote, “The meaning of your communication is the response that you get.” So even when you think you’ve communicated clearly if the response is unexpected, well then it wasn’t clear. Often we think we’ve conveyed a message clearly but when it isn’t received clearly, well then part of the blame does go to the communicator. This simple idea helps me be more patient and thoughtful when my communication is not received as I expected.

Secondly, there is no form of transportation that is close to perfect. If anything is traveling from point A to point B, an accident can happen… even if that accident isn’t caused by the transportation of choice. A simple example of this would be imagining that there were a (almost) perfect and safe way to get from A to B, but during the travel a tornado hit the vehicle. If something is being transported, the method of transportation is not perfect.

So, in communication and transportation we can expect mistakes and accidents.

Mistakes in communication can be made up for by being responsive, and by knowing that mistakes happen. Accidents in transportation will happen and there needs to be safety protocols and contingency plans. For example, I’m not against pipelines, but I think that companies that want oil as a natural resource should have to create a billion dollar cleanup fund for accidents that will eventually happen. If they say they can’t afford that, well then the government response shouldn’t be subsidies, but rather a response of, “The oil will be there when you can afford it.”

Perfect communication? Perfect transportation? I really don’t think so!

Living in a dream

One of my favourite responses when someone asks me how I’m doing is “Living the dream!”

Yesterday I wrote about how there seems to be many people who think they ‘took the red pill‘ – revealing an unpleasant truth, but they have actually taken the blue pill – remaining in blissful ignorance.

Then this morning I was listening to a podcast and musician Baba Brinkman was quoted as saying, “What we call reality is just when we all agree about our hallucinations.”

This made me realize how much reality right now (for many if not all of us) is literally like being in a dream. Let me explain… In a dream, when something doesn’t fit with reality, it doesn’t always trigger a response.

Examples:

  • You are in a dream talking to someone and turn away, you turn back and now it’s a different person, but having the same conversation.
  • You are in a dream and in it you are in your own house, you change rooms and now you are in a room you’ve never seen before, or even outside.
  • You are in a dream and cars can fly, or you can fly.

In each of these cases, had it been reality, the experience would be jarring, but in a dream it just makes sense.

Well in today’s reality, I think many people are living in a dream. So, you give an anti-vaxer, or a flat earther some profound point that undermines their belief, and what happens? Nothing. It doesn’t interrupt the dream. It isn’t jarring, it doesn’t ‘wake them up’. Their reality includes points and counterpoints that do not trigger a wakeful response. So, the dream can keep going… uninterrupted.

“What we call reality is just when we all agree about our hallucinations.”

The problem today is that too many people are agreeing on hallucinations that just don’t fit our reality; hallucinations that undermine our future reality… and I’m not sure how we can wake them up?

More Cowbell: Signal-to-noise

Signal-to-noise ratio (SNR or S/N) is a measure used in science and engineering that compares the level of a desired signal to the level of background noise. SNR is defined as the ratio of signal power to the noise power, often expressed in decibels. A ratio higher than 1:1 (greater than 0 dB) indicates more signal than noise. Wikipedia

This is a scientific term that relates to how much background noise there is interfering with the data or information you are trying to receive. A simple way to think about this is having a conversation in a party. If the noise of the party is too loud, you can’t pick up the signal (what the other person is saying). There is a point at which the noise does not interfere and the signal/communication is easy to hear, then moving along the scale the noise can interfere a little or a lot.

With machines this ratio is easy to calculate. With humans it’s a lot harder. It isn’t always about the quality of the signal, it’s also about the the willingness of the receiver to receive the signal. Sometimes people are not ready to receive the signal no matter how clear it is. Sometimes people choose to listen to the noise. Sometimes the noise is in their own head, not just coming from outside.

We are currently living in a world where a large number of people pay attention to the noise and are missing the signal altogether. A world where the noise is intentionally being spread. A world where the signal is considered noise. But humans aren’t machines, and so the noise isn’t easily calibrated and removed.

Social media used to amplify the signal, now it amplifies the noise. News used to amplify the signal, now it constantly reports about the problem of the noise, thus highlighting the noise and bringing it to everyone’s attention… not always in a negative light… or putting the signal and the noise on an equal footing as if to say here are two equal signals to be weighed and considered. As a result, communities, families, and friendships are being torn apart as they argue about what is signal and what is noise.

I’m reminded of the ‘More Cowbell’ skit on Saturday Night Live.

https://vimeo.com/257364428

The noise is becoming too loud to receive the signal in any meaningful way. We need to simultaneously turn up the signal and turn down the noise. If not, we better get used to the cow bell.

Being a good listener

A quick post to help me reflect out loud.

Recently I think I’ve been a poor listener. It’s not that I don’t listen, it’s that my listening has been filled with my own interjections and relevant stories. I realized this a few days ago when a colleague was sharing an experience they had on the weekend. I immediately shared a similar experience, then asked more about their’s.

That sounds polite but it isn’t. I didn’t just relate, I stole their thunder. I took away from a moment of someone sharing their experience, so that I could share mine… the story became mine, with theirs being a footnote.

I’ve reflected and realized that I’ve engaged with others like this too often in the past few weeks. I need to listen more in order to listen, not to ‘add to’, not to ‘fix’, not to ‘steal’. Just to listen, ask, encourage, celebrate others, and be present.

Cost of communication

I’m changing my Internet and cable service this week and will save about $45 a month. Even with that savings I am blown away when I think of the amount I pay for these services and phone data plans for my family.

Yes, I could save even more if I sacrificed speed and volume of data that my family pays for, and yes, what we pay for is a bit of a luxury compared to what others might choose. But still, the cost of these things seems ridiculously high in Canada.

Elon Musk is putting a series of geosynchronous satellites into space that will creates global wifi service. This will bypass the high costs of providing wifi in rural areas. It will also undermine the monopoly-like costs of internet access in countries like Canada. The reality is that these companies Elon will compete with will not fold. They will survive the competition, because they can afford to.

I look forward to this happening. I think Internet access should be cheap and accessible to all. It isn’t a luxury anymore and the reality is that prices in Canada make it so.

Connecting with friends

Since the pandemic hit, I’ve been on a group chat on WhatsApp with my sisters, and have communicated with them more than I have in years. It has been wonderful. But beyond that my circle of communication has been really small.

Yesterday I was playfully called out by a presenter that I know, before his presentation started, for not connecting. He was right. I knew he was presenting, and knew he probably wouldn’t realize that I was going to be in the audience, and yet didn’t reach out before the presentation started. Truth be told, I hadn’t even signed up until 2 days before even though I’ve known I’d attend for months. But that’s not my point. The point is, while I’ve been really good at connecting with a very small group of people, I’ve been a bit closed off beyond that circle. I haven’t really reached out to very many people.

I’d like to blame the pandemic, but that’s not being honest. The truth is that I can live a little too much in my head, and not outside it. I might think of someone, but I don’t reach out and call them. If I’m honest, I don’t often make the effort I should.

I’ve got one really good local friend that’s the same and when we connect, it’s like a minute has gone by since we last spoke or saw each other. But then we go a month or two not thinking to call or text. My friends that I do connect with often usually make the first contact, or more of an effort to connect. This isn’t a really flattering thing to admit, but it’s true.

I know it’s a two-way street when it comes to regular communication with friends, but when I’m not someone that puts forth enough effort, I can only expect the same from others. It’s easy to point your finger outwards, a lot harder, but more sincere, to point inwards. I need to realize that I’ve got to make the effort, it’s on me… if I value the friendship.

That said, reach out if you read this feel it has been too long since we connected. 😃

Scams and spam

It’s unreal how much spam comes our way. Recorded phone calls and emails that get by our spam filters, trying to get our attention or steal information or money.

Occasionally, I enjoy watching videos of people wasting the time of a scammer. They let them control a virtual and empty computer after 30 minutes of delays, or even fool the scammers and take over their computers. I like the idea of distant scammers doing bad things to good people being punished in some way. Especially since these scammers tend to take advantage of the elderly and vulnerable.

But that’s minimal entertainment compared to the damage they do; the hurt they cause. It seems to me that they undermine trust in a way that is harmful to society. They cause us to act from a standpoint of distrust as a default. They make the world more sceptical.

Email is broken. I get too much of it, and the relevance to my priorities is low. I don’t answer calls unless the number is in my phone or I’m expecting a call. But that doesn’t mean a spam call isn’t still a distraction, a thief of my attention and time. I’m not sure how, but this needs fixing. If not, I only see it getting worse.

The tone of text messages

Have you ever sent an email that was misinterpreted to be much more harsh than you intended? Have you ever missed sarcasm when it is written rather than said? Have you ever received an email that had a tone you didn’t appreciate?

Sometimes it’s not just the tone, sometimes it’s the content itself. My online teachers will sometimes get emails from students and parents that say things that would never be said to their faces. This almost always happens before there is any face-to-face or voice connection. It’s like talking through a digital screen gives people the permission to be less thoughtful. It can happen the other way too… a teacher can respond negatively to the tone they ‘hear’ in an email, and their response can be harsh in return.

Our voice has intonation that text can lack, or exaggerate, with less clarity of intent. When there is misunderstanding the easiest way to lower the tension is to move the conversation off of text. My oldest daughter did this recently. She lives in a basement suite and was having an issue with the upstairs tenant. The text exchange wasn’t going well, so m rather than continuing to text, she knocked on their door and had a conversation… it went well, when a continuation of texting would not have.

Sometimes the best response to a text message that you don’t like is not another text message. Use voice, and let the other person hear your intonation… and/or model the communication you hope to receive.

Connecting digitally

I had a chat with a friend a couple days ago and he said, “I’m just looking forward to joining you in a pub for some chicken wings and beers.”

I was thinking of this last night when I reflected on our friendship over the last 30+ years. We’ve actually had conversations before where we said, ‘The next time we get together, we actually need to do something besides sit and have a drink together.’

It’s a small thing but it puts what we are going through in perspective. We are social beings and we want to connect in any way that we can right now.

I had a dinner meeting last night. We all left our different work locations, independently picked up food, went to our own homes, and turned on Zoom to be together digitally for the meeting. We played a game of Kahoot to start, and then we went through the agenda. No, it wasn’t as good as being together, but it was still good. It was wonderful to ‘see’ people that I haven’t seen in a while. There were a few laughs, and it was definitely worthwhile to plan it as a dinner meeting, even if we were sitting separately in different houses.

This is a time when we need to stay connected while respectfully staying apart. And this isn’t just a 2020 thing… we will be doing this very well into 2021 if not starting this way in 2022 as well. That’s a long time to be socially isolated. But if this happened 20 years ago we would not be able to stream a video meeting with over 30 people sharing video. We would only have been able to share voices.

Now it’s easy to connect both ‘face-to-face’ while also keeping your distance via digital tools. The easiest of which is your phone. Last night I had a FaceTime conversation with my daughter. It was our longest chat since she last come to see us. Interestingly enough, I think it was as long of a conversation as I had with her while she was here.

I don’t know why, but the lyrics from Billy Joel’s song Piano Man just came to mind, “We are sharing a drink called loneliness, which is better than drinking alone.” I guess we are substituting physically connecting with digitally connecting, and while it’s not the same as meeting in person, it is better than being even more isolated.

We don’t need to feel alone, if we make the effort to connect… from a distance.