Tag Archives: freedom

Reciprocal influence

After a discussion with my Uncle Joe (Truss) last night on the topic of free will, I’ve reread my posts:

The Bell Curve of Free Will

And:

What does in mean to be conscious?

Joe said a couple interesting things, “Freedom comes with restraints.” And, “We influence the world and the world influences us.”

I speak of restraints on freedom in my bell curve post, but I don’t say this explicitly. I think restrictions to our freedom of choice can be circumstantial, or based on how virtuous we live our lives, or by things like our physical and emotional health. These restraints to our freedom can make us feel like we have less choice.

The simple, yet profound statement that, “We influence the world and the world influences us,” is one that I’m interested in deconstructing. When we react to the environment or situation we are in, we ultimately change that environment or situation. There are many experiments that prove the observer changes the experiment. We don’t live in a vacuum, and our interactions with the world alter that world, which alters our future interactions.

An example I’m thinking of is a crisis situation where the person in charge is calm and thoughtfully responsive vs the same crisis situation with a panicked and frantic leader. The crisis can be well handled or escalated. In both cases the leaders work in feedback loops that can help them deal with the situation at hand appropriately or have the situation become unmanageable. The leader’s actions (or inaction) changes the situation, which in turn influences their next action or reaction.

How often do we get stuck in a feedback loop of reciprocal influences between what we feel we can do next and how the outside world reacts? We move through situation after situation feeling like we lack choice and freedom because the restraints on us limit our responses… which in turn limits what we believe can happen next, and what our next actions can or need to be.

There are times when we do what we need to do, or feel obligated to do, and don’t recognize that we are in a feedback loop that continually limits our choices and decision-making. This can be especially true in work and family situations where past relationships and patterns of interactions influence our likelihood of reacting similarly the next time.

“I better do it this way or Peter will be upset.”

“Amy is going to complain about this no matter how hard I try.”

“My brother won’t want to join us, I won’t bother asking.”

We get into pattern ruts, habitual grooves where we get stuck limiting our own choices and freedom to do things differently.

I realize now that my thinking is less about free will, and more about how our habits dictate our future thinking. Our habits influence our world, our world changes and we react by reinforcing the same habits that can ultimately limit our future choices. In some ways we construct a limited future based on our habits, which emboldens our choice to keep these limiting habits. (You can also replace the word ‘habits’ with ‘addictions’.)

“We influence the world and the world influences us.”

Is this a reciprocal relationship, or is it one where we can choose to have more influence? I think there are countless self-help books written to suggest that we have more influence than we believe we do… we just need to make conscious choices rather than letting our past actions and habits limit our ability to influence the world around us.

The tightrope balance of parenting

Yesterday I recorded a podcast with Dave Sands and we discussed 7 PARENTING TIPS to help navigate the challenges of students LEARNING AT HOME during the Covid-19 pandemic. This got me thinking about how different kids are, and how hard it is to be the perfect parent for a kid.

Parents hold an imbalance of power over kids, who are in a constant state of growth. With growing up comes both more responsibility and more expectation of freedom. These things do not develop at the same speed, and our expectations will often be mismatched with our kids expectations. When it comes to how much choice and freedom kids are given versus how much of that choice and freedom they feel they deserve, parents will often think of the child they were dealing with a few months ago, while kids feel like they’ve grown up since then.

Some parents navigate this well, but many struggle. Some hold on to power over their kids to keep them safe. In doing so, they can create resentment because they are being too strict. Some parents give too much power to kids too soon, and kids tend to take advantage of that power and make poor decisions. Some parents get it right with respect to some expectations, and totally wrong with others. This can relate to chores, use of money, curfews and bedtimes, use of technology, eating habits, manners, homework, and all sorts of household rules and expectations.

The thing is, that some kids need more structure and more guidelines, and some kids need more freedom and choice, an it’s a tightrope balancing act not just to figure this out for a kid, but also to recognize that what works for one kid might not work for another… even in the same household with the same parents! To give a concrete example, one kid might need parameters around getting homework done, because without that support they won’t get it done, while an older or younger sibling might be able to do homework completely independently, without any parent supervision or support. Having different rules for these kids can create tension and so can having the same rules and not providing the freedom and responsibility that the more responsible kid deserves (especially if the one that deserves more freedom is the younger of the two).

So parenting tips are something that will always be tricky to give. What works for some, doesn’t work for all. That said, I really think Dave Sands and go over some ideas that are not prescriptive, but rather they are things to think about when trying to deal with kids learning at home… no matter how you currently parent or how good or challenging your kids might be. Here are the tips:

1. Manage Expectations
2. Make a Schedule
3. Minimize Distractions
4. Learning occurs everywhere
5. Set daily and weekly goals
6. All screen time is not created equal
7. Model learning.

I think there is something of value here for every parent. Please check the podcast out, and let me know what you think.