Tag Archives: focus

Let down

Yesterday I made a decision not to run an online blended program we’ve run for 6 years. It’s a great course but we couldn’t get the attendance to fill it enough the last couple years. The course required the work of a not-for-profit organization organizing community presentations, and they too struggled with supporting our course with such low numbers.

It’s such a let down to take away something good from our roster of courses we offer. It feels worse because I think I could have done more to promote the course and get more students interested. But sometimes it’s important to recognize what your own personal limits are and not chase after something that requires too much work and energy. Schools already offer a version of this class and it’s hard to promote students taking an online and blended class where students need to go to another school to meet. The struggle to get students interested and enrolled was just too high.

And yet I feel disappointed. I feel I’ve let down people. I feel that I’m the reason we failed to fill the course. I think out of everyone, I let down myself the most. On the one hand I absolutely know I could have done more. On the other hand I feel like this wasn’t a year that I could have put more into anything. This doesn’t soften the disappointment much, but it reminds me that I’m better off giving less things 100% effort than spreading myself thin and giving everything 75% or less.

That’s the lesson, but it still stings.

Head Games

Today I tied my personal best score in archery at 18 metres (20 yards) on a 3 spot Vegas target. I scored a 289 for the 4th time. 290 has been elusive.

My one bad shot was way off. I punched the trigger rather than using back tension to release the arrow. That’s all it takes at this point, one off shot and I don’t break my record. Also, 5 of my 9’s were on my third target. That’s worth noting. But it wasn’t one shot that was my problem, it was my headspace. I had just scored a 287 before this. Then after 4 ends, with two 30’s and two 29’s, I knew that I was ahead of getting 290. I let that get in my head.

I put a lot of pressure on myself and I didn’t perform to the level I could. It wasn’t the one 8, it wasn’t the five 9’s on my third arrow, it was the head games I put myself through when I thought I could beat my record.

This is a part of my sport I need to get better at… reducing the self-imposed pressure and thinking more about just one thing… the shot I’m taking.

290 is in reach, but it need to get there one arrow at a time. More focus on what I’m doing, and less focus on the score.

Feed your focus

In my morning meditation’s lesson, as part of the Calm App‘s daily 10 minute meditation, this quote was shared:

“Starve of your distractions, feed your focus.” – Daniel Goleman.

This is a wonderful quote, but it is easier said than done. It’s challenging because our distractions often bring us joy or at the very least, entertainment. But this goes well with the idea that, ‘Your priorities are not your priority‘. What is your focus? If your focus is just getting work done, or completing a series of tasks, that’s not really something to focus on. It’s analogous to having many priorities, which in turn is not a priority.

What’s your focus? What do you want to accomplish? If you find that thing that drives you, that makes you want to wake up earlier in the day to achieve or that you will stay up late trying to finish. If you find that kind of focus, well then it’s easy to feed. It’s then easier to starve your distractions… or at least limit them.

Things that I do:

• A morning healthy living routine to feel a sense of accomplishment before I start my day.

• Time limits on apps that I enjoy, and that entertain me. (This way I can still get some joy out of distractions, but the time spent on them fit within a threshold that doesn’t suck my time away mindlessly.)

• Calendar time to do the thing I really want to get done, and not just the things I have to do.

All that said, I still go through times when I seem to lack focus, or forget what I truly want to focus on. I still have bouts of procrastination and distraction. There are times when I have to intentionally starve my distractions. But in combining teo ideas, if I choose a single priority that I want to accomplish, and I also feed my focus on that priority… I get stuff done, and it feels amazing.

In the gold

Last Friday was my first time shooting arrows in 5 and a half weeks. I was happy to score a 283 with my personal best being a 289. Further to that my best score, hit twice before, was using my fat, tournament arrows (known as line-breakers because they can miss a section by a fair bit and still touch or break the line for a higher score). Yesterday I got my 3rd 289, and this time with my micro arrows, that are much harder to score with. I’m using these arrows for the summer because they can be used outside for distance, without being blown around too much like the tournament arrows would.

Here are my scores yesterday and today with my micros:

August 16th: (tied personal best)

August 17th:

These are great scores, and on my way to tying my personal best I was able to stay all in the gold for only the 3rd time. Then today I almost repeated this, except for a mental lapse in the 9th end. Interestingly enough, my mental lapse was on the 2nd arrow, when I had a big movement of my bow hand just as I was shooting. I was lucky and got the shot off before the big move, so I managed a 9, but then I was still thinking about my luck and was angry at myself and the next shot was off, despite physically being more stable than the previous shot. This isn’t a sport where you can keep thinking about your last shot and still shot well.

This consistency staying in the gold is great for me. I hope to be able to be even more consistently ‘in the gold’ (scoring 9’s or better every shot). If I can focus on this in the coming weeks, I know that I’ll be able to beat 289 soon. The priority though is consistency rather than score. If I keep my ‘mistakes’ in the gold, a new personal best is sure to follow.

Cloudy thinking

Yesterday at my archery practice my thoughts were my enemy. I got into a negative flow of thinking that I couldn’t break. It seemed as though every thought I had related to reasons why I would not hit the center of the target. My scores weren’t horrible, but they also weren’t anything close to what I’m capable of. It wasn’t so much the score that bothered me, it was my inability to get out of a negative loop of thinking.

I often wonder what goes through other people’s heads when they think. Are their minds as busy as mine? Do they have a constant internal dialogue that doesn’t shut up? For me, there is always a dialogue going on, and it isn’t always helpful. I sometimes wonder if I have some kind of attention deficit issue, with my mind bouncing from idea to idea.

Sometimes I feel like this is a super power, because I can make lateral connections to things others don’t see. Other times it’s more like a disability, with an inability to truly focus. And still other times (though less common) my thoughts can sink me into a zone of singular focus. This can happen when I’m writing, and I can start to put words on paper, intuitively knowing the beginning, middle, and end, before the world can get from my mind to the page. I love these moments, but they don’t come often.

What comes most often is a busy, somewhat clouded mind that is easily distracted. One that requires constant reminding to stay on task. I’ve figured out how to manage this, how to be effective, even when my mind wants to wander and wonder. But sometimes, like yesterday’s archery practice, I become my own worst enemy. I try to convince myself that I can focus and get away from the negative thoughts, but I can’t. Negative thoughts prevail. Negative internal dialogue persists.

I can get this way with meditation too. I can get so that every attempt to focus on my breath lasts only seconds before I’m fighting off distraction. And then the distractions become the only thing I can think of. These sessions don’t prove to be very meditative. They become 10 minutes of thinking that I need to be better at mediating, rather than actual meditation.

Yesterday, a clouded mind took over my archery practice. I didn’t practice archery, I practiced the art of negative thinking. The art of getting in my own way. The art of distraction. I need to learn a strategy to get my head out of these dark clouds when they come. I need to metaphorically clear the skies, and let the sun shine through… or at least pack an umbrella.

Monkey brain meditation

Six times I had to back up my guided meditation today. I was instructed to breath naturally and count my breaths for one minute. A seemingly simple task, but not for my monkey brain.

In… out, one, in… out, two, in… and drift into thinking about something else and don’t notice. My 6th time I got to fourteen, but might have missed one around 12. Before that try, I didn’t make it past five breaths before my meandering mind wandered off thinking of something irrelevant and unimportant.

You would think my 3rd, 4th, and 5th attempts would have been more successful, after all, I only had one task to do, and only for a minute. But like the dog in the movie ‘Up’, my mind was pulled away, attracted by squirrels, no mater what I was trying to focus on. I can’t even remember what pulled my thoughts away, none of it important, just monkey-mind distractions, or squirrels, or whatever metaphor you prefer to describe an unfocused mind.

I just tried again and counted to 9. I’m sure that was wrong, because I don’t take 6+ second breaths. I’ve been meditating for 2 and a half years and I can’t relax my thoughts enough to count my breath for 1 minute. Perhaps 10 minutes guided meditation is not enough of a daily practice to truly quiet my mind. I’m not quitting, I’m sure there are other benefits to starting my day with this activity. But perhaps it’s time to add some silent meditation to my day as well.

I’ll start with 3 minutes, and I’ll try this now.

And for pure comedy, my cat came meowing up to me 30 seconds in, wanting me to let him out, and clawing the couch to ensure he had my attention.

Let’s go again!

Well, that wasn’t so bad. I will need to add silent meditation to my daily practice. I’ll keep it short enough at the start to ensure that I actually commit to the habit. My goal: simply to be able to sit and count my breaths for a minute, without my brain doing mental gymnastics. My date I hope to achieve this? I don’t know, I think I will just look for gradual improvements and progress, that’s probably better than an arbitrary date and the pressure that distraction would be. One less monkey thought, one less squirrel to pull my attention away… and maybe put the cat out first.

Still a rookie

I sometimes need to remind myself that I’m still new to archery. Yesterday I did something bizarre. Twice in less than an hour, I launched an arrow into the wall about 8-10 feet above my target, mid draw. My trigger release didn’t misfire, I somehow pulled back at a bad angle and let the string slip out of the release. Both times I was shocked. Both times I had no idea what I did to cause this. Both times I knew it was human error and not my equipment, but didn’t know what to do differently?

I spent the rest of that practice paying so much attention to my draw that I didn’t shoot very well. Today in practice I looked down at my hands just before I drew and I saw the problem.

Before I begin the draw cycle, I put tension on my bow string to get the feel of my bow into the right spot in my bow hand. I don’t know when I started doing this, but I was pulling on the release with my thumb up. However, the draw cycle involves drawing back with my pinky finger up. So, I’d put tension on the string, thumb up, raise my bow, and as I started my draw cycle I’d have to rotate my wrist 180°. In that process I must have twisted my pinky finger too far back allowing the string to slip out of the release… twice. Two arrows destroyed, and at the time, not a clue why?

Today I shot very poorly in my first round, then mostly much better the second round. Mostly.

I scored a 280 and my personal best is 281. But I don’t see the the good shots, I see the 7 in the red outer circle of the third target.

I don’t see the perfect score in end 2, I see the two 8’s in a row in end 6… the 7 after the two X’s overshadow the X’s in end 8.

Cognitively, I know that I need to ‘let go’ of the mistakes. To learn from them. To not let the previous shot affect the next shot. I like archery because it can sometimes feel like meditation. But then I treat it like a competitive sport and get mad at myself for not being better than I am… Like I’m not still a rookie, learning the ropes and shooting arrows accidentally, because I lack body awareness.

I’m my own worst enemy, placing too much pressure on myself, and not celebrating the successes. I forget that scores under 270 were a regular thing for me just 3 months ago.

I forget that the journey is what matters, and that I’m on a good path to getting better. And I forget that the path will be faster if I focus more on doing things right, again and again, rather than being upset and clouding my brain with unproductive thoughts and feelings.

I’m just a rookie, and I’ve got a lot to learn. 1,000 arrows from now I will be better. How much better? Well, that depends on if I can keep my expectations realistic, and focus on improving rather than beating myself up with unrealistic expectations. 280 is a great score, I only got 281, my personal best, a few days ago. I learned a valuable lesson today, and hopefully won’t ever release an arrow during my draw again. I am getter better!

In a rut

My mind is a flutter. I seem to be hopping from idea to idea. At work my secretaries and I joke about me having a squirrel brain when I get like this. I start a task, get interrupted, and then don’t remember the task until much later. A student comes to ask me a question, and I can’t remember what I was doing after they leave.

Today I had to redo my meditation because I fell asleep. Then the second time the 10 minute session ended I realized I completely failed to listen to the last few minutes or focus on my breathing, and had to go back to it again.

I don’t like when I get like this, because it’s like I’ve had too much coffee, and am overstimulated. But rather than fight it, for today’s post I’ll try to embrace it and I’ll throw ‘this and that’ out in a stream of verbal diarrhea, here goes:

I got my personal best score in archery, beating my old record by one… then repeated that score. I should be thrilled. My accuracy is way up. Yet I’m mad at myself because I started both record-breaking scores with two of three shots being 8’s. And in my second round, I ended with an 8, or I would have beaten my new record rather than tied it. Oh, and I’m also mad at myself because rather than celebrating my personal best, I’m upset about these things and can’t seem to let myself celebrate the success.

Workouts are still floundering, even now I’m writing this later than usual and will have to rush my morning routine. So much for getting back into it like I’ve shared here recently. I tell myself I’ll push harder, but I really don’t. I think I need to try something really different to break this cycle. I’m usually someone that can self-motivate, but right now I feel like I need someone else to light a fire under my ass.

I finally finished a 28.5 hour audio book. It was a wonderful story but it still took me almost three months to listen to, despite enjoying it. I listened to so many books the last couple years, and this year I’m listening at a snail’s pace. I’m also behind on podcasts. I just don’t squeeze the time out of the day like I used to.

I’ve been ‘working on’ a visual that puts together some of the things we do in order to share the Heroes Journey of a student at Inquiry Hub… except I’ve been too busy at work and am actually not working on it. It’s more of a decoration on the whiteboard behind me in my office than it is a work in progress. I look at it, I haven’t really added much to it recently.

My eating habits haven’t been great. My sleeping habits haven’t been great. I’m clueless as to what’s going on in the world because not only do I not watch TV, but I’ve tuned out of social media too.

I sound like a basket case reading this over, but I’ve caught up on my email backlog, and have been tackling my ‘to do’ list at work diligently, even if sometimes lacking focus. I’m functioning pretty well, yet focused on the things I’m not doing rather than the things I’m doing well. I haven’t laughed enough recently. I haven’t felt a sense of real accomplishment. I haven’t even enjoyed my distractions.

Yet, in the grand scheme of things I’m being productive, I’m staying healthy, my family is healthy, I’m listening to good books, I’m meditating, I’m improving my archery skills. There should be a lot to celebrate, or at least appreciate. Cognitively I understand this. But I don’t know how to give myself a break and appreciate all these things?

Well, I better get my butt to my home gym and go through the motions of working out. I’ll listen to a podcast while I do, and maybe some motivational music. I’ll get out of this rut soon, but for now I’ll just go through the motions, which is better than letting myself slip.

Habits vs Distractions

The kids that are perfectionists, work for hours on something that was good enough long before they consider the work to be finished.

The kids who loves to do research collect so much of it that it becomes overwhelming.

The kids who are easily distracted spends too much time catching up on work that should already have been handed in, and are perpetually putting off work that should be done now.

The kids that stress about the class they don’t like, spend less time and energy on the classes they enjoy.

The kids that work on more than one thing at once end up doing less of everything as they bounce from task to task.

The kids that should ask the most questions ask half as many as the kids that really don’t need to ask, but want to make sure they understand, or are doing things correctly.

It’s not always a lack of trying, it’s not always a lack of effort. It’s the lack of the understanding of where to put effort, what to do next, when to ask for help, and when to either remove distractions or remove themselves from distraction.

But the good news is that habits are learned. Success can provide as much serotonin and reward stimulus as distractions do… but only if the habits are in place to make the rewards consistent. Otherwise, video games, social media, and the illusion that multitasking is actually a thing, trump the rewards of good habits.

Sometimes we give kids too much choice, too much time, too many extensions. Sometimes what they need are high expectations, and hard deadlines. Sometimes they need a teacher checking in on them, asking to see work in progress, and giving timely and precise feedback. Sometimes kids need teachers to help them with their plan of action, and then hold them accountable to the plan.

Because sometimes the appeal of distractions are too strong, and giving a kid time to choose what they should do next isn’t really giving them a choice. Because sometimes distractions are too strong, and kids are not really choosing, they are falling back in the habit of doing the things that feed their brains with serotonin. They don’t get the same rewards from hard work, because they don’t have the habits to ensure that hard work pays off. Sometimes we need to make the choice for them, then instead of praising the work, we need to ask them how they feel getting the work done. Sometimes we need to help build good habits for them, because the alternative is to let the distractions win.

1,000 more arrows

I’ve been struggling to shoot well with my new compound bow, but yesterday I shot the best round since getting it. I’m still off of my personal best, and I am still a little inconsistent, but I was able to more than double the amount of times I was able to score a full 10 points with a shot. And although I didn’t score as well the second round, I was finding the bullseye more in that round.

Now I’ve started to find a flaw in my execution. I seem to have a lot of movement, beyond the desired movement, just after I trigger the release. This is challenging to figure out, but easier to fix than when you just don’t know what you don’t know. At least I’m at a point where I know it’s my error and not just mysteriously wondering what my bow is doing (because I can’t recognize what it is that I’m doing wrong).

Part of my problem is target panic. That’s when you see that your sight is perfectly lined up with the bullseye and you try to rush the shot. For me, it’s a whole body experience, and I sometimes buckle a bit, with my bow hand not holding strong and my hands come slightly closer together. This is an awful movement in archery, and one I have to work on getting rid of. While it doesn’t happen a lot, I don’t know when it’s coming until I’ve already experienced it.

The cams on a compound bow create a ‘wall’ where you hold the shot where there is a let-off of the weight that’s pulling the string. So my 50lb bow, at full extension, has a 75% let-off and I’m only holding 12.5lbs, while a person with a recurve bow would be holding the full 50lbs. My job is to keep my extension and hold the bow ‘hard’ against the wall, but still be relaxed and not be stiff… Yet, also not be so relaxed that I let myself buckle when I see the bullseye lined up.

I know progress will be slow from here, but at least I’m in a good headspace where I can see a path forward. I’m going to make many more bad shots, but the good shots will be more frequent. I’m finally not just floundering and feeling like I’m not improving. Now I just need to keep shooting. 1,000 more arrows, then 1,000 more after that…