Author Archives: David Truss

Cloudy thinking

Yesterday at my archery practice my thoughts were my enemy. I got into a negative flow of thinking that I couldn’t break. It seemed as though every thought I had related to reasons why I would not hit the center of the target. My scores weren’t horrible, but they also weren’t anything close to what I’m capable of. It wasn’t so much the score that bothered me, it was my inability to get out of a negative loop of thinking.

I often wonder what goes through other people’s heads when they think. Are their minds as busy as mine? Do they have a constant internal dialogue that doesn’t shut up? For me, there is always a dialogue going on, and it isn’t always helpful. I sometimes wonder if I have some kind of attention deficit issue, with my mind bouncing from idea to idea.

Sometimes I feel like this is a super power, because I can make lateral connections to things others don’t see. Other times it’s more like a disability, with an inability to truly focus. And still other times (though less common) my thoughts can sink me into a zone of singular focus. This can happen when I’m writing, and I can start to put words on paper, intuitively knowing the beginning, middle, and end, before the world can get from my mind to the page. I love these moments, but they don’t come often.

What comes most often is a busy, somewhat clouded mind that is easily distracted. One that requires constant reminding to stay on task. I’ve figured out how to manage this, how to be effective, even when my mind wants to wander and wonder. But sometimes, like yesterday’s archery practice, I become my own worst enemy. I try to convince myself that I can focus and get away from the negative thoughts, but I can’t. Negative thoughts prevail. Negative internal dialogue persists.

I can get this way with meditation too. I can get so that every attempt to focus on my breath lasts only seconds before I’m fighting off distraction. And then the distractions become the only thing I can think of. These sessions don’t prove to be very meditative. They become 10 minutes of thinking that I need to be better at mediating, rather than actual meditation.

Yesterday, a clouded mind took over my archery practice. I didn’t practice archery, I practiced the art of negative thinking. The art of getting in my own way. The art of distraction. I need to learn a strategy to get my head out of these dark clouds when they come. I need to metaphorically clear the skies, and let the sun shine through… or at least pack an umbrella.

Goals unmet

This is an observation, not me beating myself up. I’ve been on a good healthy living kick and in the best shape I’ve been in years. However today I looked at my healthy living calendar and I had a target weight written on it… I’m not close to it. I haven’t made any gains that I hoped to.

I’ve already realized that I need to reset goals, but now I think I need to just stop making goals beyond my calendar chart. That chart has been something that keeps me ‘on target’, while other goals leave me disappointed when I don’t meet them. There is a lot going on these days, with the school year ending and a visit home planned, and camping holidays booked… and yet I’m exercising 5-6 timed a week; I’m shooting arrows regularly; I’m enjoying writing every day; and I’ve only missed a couple meditations this year. These are mini celebrations that I don’t need to cloud with unmet goals that push me beyond what I’m prepared to do.

I’m getting stronger, I’m looking and feeling good, I’m meeting my targets I’ve places on myself. I don’t need to push, push, push, and add goals that are too much for me… I just needed to say that ‘out loud’ to convince myself.

Un-handyman

I’m trying to set up a new pump, sand filter, and solar panels for our above ground pool. Whenever I do something like this, my ineptitude at being a handyman goes on full display.

Wrong items picked up at Home Depot, not having everything I need, and hours of watching other people do what I want to do on YouTube, lead to hours of work and very slow progress. To top it off, the flexible piping that was supposed to arrive yesterday still hasn’t come in.

So now I have a half-done job that can’t be finished, and even when the piping comes in, I’m still not 100% sure how I’m going to strap the solar panels onto my garage roof?

I wish I had more skills in this area. I don’t. The good news is that I got a fair bit done today… by putting a lot of time into the project. However, there is still a fair bit to do, I’ll probably end up at Home Depot 2-3 more times, and I’ll be rewatching a few videos when I’m ready to start the new pump and filter up. Such is the life of an un-handyman trying to do handy things. If I keep doing things like this, hopefully I’ll be able to remove the ‘un’ and just call myself handy.

A little context

A couple days ago I wrote this about a heavy 3am rainfall that woke me up:

“The sound took me back to my childhood. In Barbados we would have these short, intense rain showers. They seldom lasted more than 20 minutes and they came and left without warning. We had a galvanized roof and the sound of heavy rain hitting it was thunderous. But it was never scary. As loud and fierce as the rain sounded hitting corrugated metal above us, it was also a sound that was soothing, comforting.”

In a video chat my dad said he read it and said that it brought back memories for him too. My youngest daughter joined me on the phone and he asked if she had read it, she hadn’t. So he went on to ask if she knew the sound of rain on a galvanized roof. She didn’t know what that was. Then, like me, he went on to describe a corrugated metal roof. I said, she probably doesn’t know what that is either… she didn’t.

We have an aluminum roof on our current house, so a metal roof isn’t an unknown thing, but a loud, uninsulated, galvanized, corrugated metal roof is not something common to Canada. It is something a tropical islander would know all too well.

Here is a video sharing the sound of ‘heavy rain’ falling on a galvanized, corrugated metal roof:

While the video description says ‘heavy rain’, this sounds quite gentle. It’s a sound of a constant flow. Often as a kid, when the sound of rain on a roof woke me up during the night, it would be an intense and truly heavy rain attacking the roof that would wake me. It would settle to the sound in the video, but imagine a louder, more violent version of this thundering above as a passing storm went by.

It was interesting to realize that the experience I was describing could connect my dad to a shared experience, but the same description meant nothing to my daughter. It made me realize that I was sharing a contextual experience that not everyone has had. Furthermore, here in Vancouver, while it rains a lot, the rain just isn’t the same as in Barbados.

The Bajan rains come fast and are intense, and leave as quickly as they come. Here in Vancouver it can drizzle for hours. In Barbados when it rains you stay under cover because you know it will stop soon, and a 15 second walk from your car to inside would leave you drenched like you went into the shower with your clothes on. Here in Vancouver, it rains far more often and I never carry an umbrella. For most rainfalls here, I don’t even think about covering my head when I walk in the rain for a minute. Rain here is not rain everywhere.

I’m reminded of the Inuit having several terms for snow, while we just call it snow. And that some cultures can’t distinguish between blue and green, because they don’t have a term for blue, but they also see shades of green that we can’t distinguish or tell apart. Our contexts growing up shape us. And our experiences don’t always create a shared understanding. To me a corrugated, galvanized roof is a musical instrument played by rain, to others it is an unfamiliar sound.

Fictional vigilante

I’m currently listening to ‘Nameless‘ by Dean Koontz. It it, a nameless clairvoyant with scientifically induced amnesia, and a didactic memory for everything after his memory was wiped, is a vigilante. He is the executor of bad people who have killed others for greed and/or pleasure. He is hired by a tech-savvy team that use cybercrime to confirm that the people they hunt are indeed bad people. Then Nameless exacts justice, often in befitting ways.

I’m not an ‘eye-for-an-eye’ kind of person, I have spent a lot of time as an educator helping students come to peaceful resolutions of issues in positive ways. But something about this book appeals to me. I think some people are beyond reproach. I think there are people in this world that are very bad, and they know it, and they prey on the weakness and kindness of others.

Recently we have had gang wars in Vancouver spilling out in the streets. An innocent person died in a drive by ‘hit’ of a known gang member. And a gang member was targeted and killed at the airport, leading to a car chase with guns being fired later. These gang members have had a complete disregard for innocent people in the wake of their war.

Now I’m not saying it’s vigilante time, but rather, I’m wondering what should be done when these known criminals disregard public safety and endanger peaceful citizens? It’s a case where they are playing by completely different rules than law-abiding citizens, and causing significant harm to the community. Even if they are caught, it is often only after they have done further harm to innocent people.

I think some people are intentionally evil. They choose to do bad things, then get caught up in a world where others around them disregard the value of the life of others. There are also evil people who get pleasure out of hurting others, including children, in violent and disturbing ways.

Listening to this book, I feel no remorse for the killers that are getting their just dues. I don’t think that they should be arrested and put on trial instead. Perhaps I should. But this fictional book is making me question what we should do with people who skirt the law and do truly evil things? It’s interesting that the characters in this book can pull out of me a character trait I didn’t know I had. I have never seen myself as approving of a vigilante, but I find this book enjoyable… I see justice in a serial child molester, or a doctor that preys on the elderly, or a killer who stalks campers in remote areas, meeting their demise after learning that they have been found out.

I think there are some truly evil people in the world, and they don’t always deserve to live after what they have done to others. That said, I’m not convinced that vigilante justice is something I’d like to see played out in the real world on a regular basis… I’ll just go back to my book and enjoy it there.

Torrential Rain

At about 3am this morning I was awoken by the sound of torrential rain. It was bouncing off of our roof with such force that it seemed to be attacking it. It’s all at once a threatening and comforting sound. It makes me feel happy to be under warm covers, rather than outside being pelted by heavy, biting bullets of water.

The sound took me back to my childhood. In Barbados we would have these short, intense rain showers. They seldom lasted more than 20 minutes and they came and left without warning. We had a galvanized roof and the sound of heavy rain hitting it was thunderous. But it was never scary. As loud and fierce as the rain sounded hitting corrugated metal above us, it was also a sound that was soothing, comforting.

If the rain came as I was falling asleep, I would fight sleep just to be up and hear the chorus of raindrops drumming the roof. If it came while I slept, it would wake me from sheer loudness, yet I wouldn’t be able to stay awake long enough to hear the rain stop.

Last night was a reminder of these childhood memories. It is fascinating to me that such a violent sound could be so satisfying to listen to. Lying in bed, protected by the ceiling above, a torrential rain is a musical interlude rather than a scary interruption of sleep.

“Here comes the rain again, falling on my head like a memory.”

It is a reminder of my childhood, a sound that evokes fond memories of growing up on a tropical island… Of rainstorms pounding our roof. Of running into the ocean since the rain would soak us anyway. Of driving under a cloud and instantly needing maximum speed windshield wipers to be able to see ahead, then suddenly hearing the squeaking noise of the full speed wipers streaking across a dry windshield seconds after driving out from under the rain cloud. Rain falling like a memory, and a melody, evoking a sense of comfort, a feeling of being home.

Going home

I booked a flight home to visit my parents this summer. By that point I will have had my second vaccine shot for a few weeks. I look forward to being able to hug my parents and sisters. It has been a long time since I’ve given anyone except my immediate family a hug. Sometimes the little things in life mean a lot.

I wish I could also take a few side trips and visit friends I haven’t seen in a while, but it feels a little soon for that. It will be a time to focus on family. That’s good too.

Living thousands of kilometres away from my parents and siblings is tough sometimes. It is easy to feel disconnected. Oddly enough the pandemic has brought me closer to my sisters. We now have a group chat on WhatsApp where we connect far more often than we used to. This is wonderful, but not the same as seeing each other face-to-face, and so the opportunity to go home is wonderful.

I remember a moment in my second year of Universtiy. I was home for the weekend, and shortly before it was time to leave I was sitting with my mom at the kitchen table. I absentmindedly said, “I better start getting ready to go home.” (Referencing my university as home.) My mom responded, “This is your home.” And at that point I realized my comment was impolite.

Now I have my own home, with a wonderful wife and two awesome kids. We’ve made a great home of our own… but when I’m heading back to see my folks, we’ll, I still like calling that ‘Going home’.

In times of change

I recently shared this quote with a few teachers when I gifted them a book.

“In times of change learners inherit the earth; while the learned find themselves beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists.” ~ Eric Hoffer

In a conversation with another educator this weekend we talked about the fact that we both knew some people who were terribly upset about technology upgrades because it took them out of their comfort zones. This isn’t just a fear of change, it’s also a frustration about not having everything where it ‘should be’. It can be hard to lose your favourites on your browser, if you never signed in and saved them. It can be frustrating to sign into all your accounts again, or to re-setup all your quick shortcuts (again).

But maybe this becomes the time that this person can learn to sign into their browser and take their favourites with them wherever they go. Maybe they can begin to use the cloud to save their documents rather than their hard drive. But they won’t do this without help.

We can share fancy quotes about the importance of lifelong learning, but if we aren’t helping to foster adult learners on their journey, then are we fostering a learning culture ourselves? Everyone is on their own journey with their own comfort levels. When we push people out of their comfort zones, we need to provide the scaffolding and support so that they can learn and adapt. That doesn’t mean that we keep people in their comfort zone, that we don’t make the need to change… But it does mean that too much frustration without support leads to people shutting down rather than being willing to change.

Masked in an Unmasked World

When we lived in China from 2009-2011, we would see people wearing masks when we were out in the community. They weren’t used by most people, but there were enough people that wore them that they became something you were quite accustomed to seeing. Certain places you would see them more frequently, two of these being on public transportation, and in large underground malls, common in the city of Dalian.

Also, you would see street vendors who made your food wearing them as well, or the staff at the back of restaurants or food stalls. It was a common courtesy for food handlers to wear a mask.

Basically, you’d see masks occasionally worn in public, and worn more frequently in crowded indoor spaces, and by people who served food. That makes a lot of sense. Another place we would see them is worn by students who had colds. Parents would still send them to school, but with a mask… and that’s far better than what happens here with young students sniffling and wiping their snot on their sleeves.

As the population slowly becomes double vaccinated and the Coronavirus numbers come down, I wonder what mask use will look like here in Canada? How common will mask-wearing be as we start to unmask?

My guess is that Asian cultures that are used to having masks around for over a decade since SARS and H1N1 will wear masks far more frequently than other cultures… simply because it is good etiquette to wear them in crowded public places. But will this be something that is looked upon as a gesture of safety and respect for others, or will this make them a target for racism?

Who else will we see wearing masks regularly? The immunocompromised, germaphobes, food handlers? Will there be many random people wearing masks because they feel comfortable doing so, or because they don’t feel 100% well and don’t want to spread anything? Or will mask-wearing be an anomaly in a sea of unmasked people, going about their business like Covid-19 never happened?

I think the acceptance of after-pandemic mask wearing will depend more on the continued spread of variants, and that the longer Covid-19 lingers, the more accepted mask-wearing in public after vaccinations will be. My hope is that as people unmask, they also become accepting of seeing people prefer to keep masks on in public. Living in China and seeing masks frequently, I never thought of it as weird. I never judged someone for wearing one, and as an avid fan of street food, it comforted me to see a street vendor who wore a mask as he or she prepared my food.

We will be mostly unmasked soon. Let’s make sure that we are considerate to those who continue to wear masks, since they are being considerate of us.

Power naps

I wonder if this is related to my age, or if there are some other factors, but my ability to take power naps has changed. I used to be able to lie down for a quick nap, and set an alarm for 15-20, maybe 25 minutes. When my alarm went off, I could just pop up and continue with my day, feeling fully refreshed.

Now, 25-30 minutes never seems like it’s enough. If I set an alarm for a power nap these days, the alarm because an annoying interruption, before going back to sleep again… and if I do force myself to get up, I certainly don’t feel refreshed.

I also find that I need a bit more sleep at night too. That’s not very surprising because I used to need only 5-6 hours sleep, and it’s probably good that I get a bit more than that as a norm. Still, I miss my power naps. I miss that feeling like I’ve supercharged myself in a short burst, preparing myself to tackle the day with a full battery.

I think I’m going to experiment a bit in the coming weekends (and occasional evenings) and see if I can’t do a sort of a reset… Maybe I’ve just gotten used to needing more time because I have given myself permission to take more time. I’m going to set my alarm for 20 minutes when I nap and stick to that time. Any longer and it’s not a power nap, it’s just an old guy snoring on the couch. 🤣