Tag Archives: anger

Angry Twitter, angry news

From news articles, to Facebook posts, to Twitter, to Imgur & Tik Tok, I cant seem to go anywhere online without finding anger and hate magnified on my screen.

It’s bitter, undermines my mood, and makes the world seem cold and uncaring. For every uplifting and inspiring post that’s shared, there are five to a dozen angry ones.

I’m sure this is having an impact on people in ways that are unhealthy, not just to ourselves, but to our society in general.

Are there reasons to be upset? Yes!

• Yesterday was the single worst day of ‘Daily New Cases’ for Covid-19

• Civil unrest to fight injustices has lead to unjust confrontations between police forces and peaceful protesters.

• Videos of looters and blatant prejudice are meme-ified and virally spread.

That’s the backdrop to what we watch and read about online. It’s impossible not to see this without tuning out completely… and so other than my Daily Ink tomorrow, you won’t see me online this weekend.

I need a break from all this. My guess is, you probably do too!

Feeding the rage machine

It’s really hard to avoid rage as a driving force in the news today. Article after article, video clip after video clip, there is anger, upset, and rage. There is a link between what we think and how we feel, and that used to be determined by us. Now it is determined by the headlines we read and the videos we watch.

Cognition used to drive emotion, now emotion draws us towards information and that information caries a bias that fuels anger in one of two opposing ways:

1. Disgust: How can this happen in our society today? What kind of world are we living in? This is so wrong!

2. Rebuke: This is not a crisis. This is overblown! Everything is sensationalized.

These two reactions towards the same topic fuel even greater rage. If you think something is completely unacceptable and I ask you, ‘what’s the big deal?’, how does that make you feel?

Anger does not invite clear thought. It does not invite discourse that we can learn from. It does not foster a healthy environment.

It upsets me that headlines are so geared towards rage and anger. It saddens me that I still follow the headlines, clicking links and watching videos. I’m not impervious to the emotional draw. It’s similar to slowing down on the highway to see why emergency vehicles are pulled over in the oncoming lanes… we are pulled in by the macabre.

It can not be healthy to draw our attention to the world through rage. It clouds the truth, hides it in bias based on anger. This is not how we should be learning about the going’s on in our world. This is not news.

In the shadows

I had a conversation yesterday with someone who carries very strong negative memories with them from something that happened many years ago. It wasn’t violent, and didn’t cause any trauma to their body, but it did to their mind. It was essentially an emotional bullying issue, one that especially hurt because it came from someone believed to be a friend. It hurt more because it wasn’t just a one-time thing, it was repeated.

As I listened, I was taken back by the hurt that was still carried. They say ‘time heals all wounds’, but I think sometimes ‘time wounds all heals’. Sometimes the passage of time does not separate us from emotional pain, rather time bathes us in it.

I think that’s why people end up self medicating. It’s easier to numb the pain than it is to face the pain that lurks in our memories, haunting us. The memory, the upset, the anger, or the pain, can seem as present and as relevant as things happening to us daily.

I’m not a psychologist, and I don’t play one on tv or the internet, but I asked this person a question.

I asked, when recalling the incidents, if they saw the experience through their own eyes or if they saw themselves in the memory as if they were watching a movie? The answer was ‘it’s like a movie’.

Aren’t our minds amazing things, that we can recall a memory and see ourselves in that memory! How does that work? We aren’t really reliving it if we can see it happening to us. It’s more like we are watching our own history. This gives us more power than we might think we have:

  • We don’t have to review our memories up close.
  • We don’t have to recall our memories in full colour or at full speed.
  • We can create new endings. Rewind and replay it.
  • We can literally put the memory into a television screen.
  • We can recall memories as still, black & white, blurry photos in old frames.

We can move memories into the shadows of our minds rather than have them fill our brains in full technicolor and splendour. We don’t have to get rid of them, (I’m not sure we can), but we can reduce their power over us. We can relegate the memories to less significance.

It’s similar to controlling anger. When something upsets us and makes us mad, how long do we hold on to that anger?

Let’s say you are driving to work one morning and someone cuts you off. I mean really cuts you off, you have to break hard and swerve into the curb lane to stop from hitting them and getting in an accident. You slam on the breaks and your horn simultaneously, but the other car drives off, seemingly oblivious to what they just put you through. How long do you hold on to that anger?

Is 5 minutes appropriate?

What about for the rest of your commute?

What about until everyone at work has heard your story?

How about until you’ve told your spouse when you got home.

How about the following week?

How about you recall the incident every time you pass that spot on the road on the way to work?

How long is it acceptable to hold on to that anger, to build up that moment in your mind? How long do you let that that angry moment in the past control your emotions in the present?

We have many memories that belong in the shadows of our mind, rather than in full colour and right in front of us.

If we can learn to not let the anger of a jerk that cut us off minutes, hours, days, or weeks ago control our present state or well being, couldn’t we do the same for something years in the past.

Maybe we can let time heal our wounds .

It may take practice, but if we’ve already changed the memory into a movie, seeing it from a perspective that we didn’t experience, then haven’t we already made changes that have removed us from the original experience? And if our minds can do that on their own, maybe we can choose to ‘see’ those memories in more distant and less angry ways. Maybe we can alter our past so that it interferes less with our present.

5 ways people are coping with a pandemic on social media.

Just a quick observation about the way people are coping with the Coronavirus pandemic via social media sharing:

1. Complaining/Blaming.

2. Oversharing bad news.

3. Using humour.

4. Sharing the struggle.

5. Sharing ideas, and resources.

The first 2 ways accomplish nothing, except to build anger, excite fear, and actually reduce the ability of others to cope well. What wasn’t done before isn’t as important as what can be done now. I’m not saying everything needs to be positive, but rather that some thought should be put into how much energy is spent spreading negative things that do not contribute to a more positive outcome.

Humour can be a wonderful escape and it can also be biting commentary that invites as much anger as laughter. I’ve caught myself reading some of the commentary on funny tweets and can tell that the joke isn’t always seen as funny. That said, I’ve been sharing some very clever jokes that I think can help us see that we are all in this together.

I’ve also seen some people sharing their struggles and others wrap around them for support. This is really beautiful to see.

Finally, I’ve seen some very informative posts that actually help people cope.

More than ever, it’s a good time to pause and think before you post.

Angry people

It was many years ago, but I remember the situation well, having told it a few times. One of my online teachers was dealing with a student who was cheating. It was obvious, yet the student refused to admit it. His work was plagiarism of a student who had already completed the course… it wasn’t exact, but paraphrased sentence by sentence. This wasn’t done on questions with a single answer, it was done on two assignments where students were sharing personal opinions. Even if this student shared similar views to the original author, the essays could never match so well structurally, sentence by sentence, and idea by idea. The student’s father got involved and treated my teacher poorly and so she asked me for help.

When I called, I got a mouthful of rudeness, I could barely get a word in. I tried to explain but didn’t get a chance. Then the next day the student called me. He was condescending. He asked me how long I’d been out of the classroom, and asked me if I understood the word ‘collaboration’. He got to me a bit and I gave a bit of a snarky response. At that point his mom jumped in and I realized that I had been on speakerphone. She went on a full tirade.

I should have hung up. I should have ended the call. But two things played in my mind. First, that I should not have been snarky, second, that if they were underhanded enough to bait me like that, they were probably also capable of recording the call. So I listened to the abuse. I let her rant, I would occasionally begin to respond, only when asked, and then I would be cut off with another attack. And I took it. One thing made it bearable…

I’ve met a number of kids who have had a challenging parent in my career as an educator. A parent that was overbearing, or over-controlling, or unreasonable. I’ve met some kids that have both parents come in like two mamma bears protecting their kid, and while they might or might not be dealing ideally with the situation, they are genuinely caring for their child. I’d never met (albeit this was just over the phone) a kid before who had two completely angry and bitter parents.

I thought of what this kid’s experience at home must be like? I wondered if this kid had a role model that didn’t treat the world like it was against them? Did his parents treat him like they treated me? Did he have siblings or did he face their wrath alone? I imagined what it would be like for me if when I did something wrong, rather than my parents calling me out, they doubled down and defended me? I sat on the phone listening, but the abuse I took didn’t hurt. I felt genuinely sorry for this kid. I hoped this way of dealing with a problem that he was experiencing was not the only way that he experienced problem solving at home.

In the end, I gave a choice to the family. He could redo the essays, he could take the zeros for plagiarism on these two assignments and move on, or he could drop the course. I told the teacher that all email correspondence with the parent should be cc’d to me as well and that any phone calls should be directed to me. I didn’t want her to have to take any abuse.

There ended up being one more similar issue, and my conversation with the kid’s dad at that point actually went well for me, but I again felt sorry for the kid. I felt empathy. I wondered if the lack of face to face communication made my first interactions challenging, and maybe, hopefully, it would have been different had we met in person. I wondered if this kid’s parents were always angry or if this experience triggered something awful? I wondered what they were dealing with in their lives that I don’t have to deal with in mine?

I don’t think I would stay on the phone if something like that happened again. I don’t need to take the abuse. I know that I won’t be as likely to be snarky, even to someone treating me in a condescending way. But the best lesson I got from this was to remind myself that when I’m dealing with an angry person, I don’t know why they are so angry? I don’t know what their lives are like? And I don’t have to live the angry lives they live.

I get to choose my disposition. I can feel empathy for people that give themselves less choice than I have. I can move on after these interactions without feeling bad, if I know that I handled things as best as I could with the resources and experience that I have… and I need to remember that this applies to them too. They did they best they could, given their experiences and circumstances. I don’t choose to look back on this experience with anger. I’m not upset that I didn’t handle it better. I don’t pretend that it didn’t have an effect on me or I probably wouldn’t be writing about it now. But I will meet more angry people in my life, and I believe that I’m more resilient and more prepared for that time, thanks to this experience.

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Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay