I think the first time I heard this term was from Ross Greene,

“Kids do well if they can.”

It stuck with me. Kids want to behave well, but they don’t always have the skill, resources, or know-how to do so. Give them the skills, rather than punishing or trying to reward the good behaviour they don’t have the skills to achieve.

So often we equate behaviour with intent. We see a kid labelled as bad instead of a kid making a bad choice or demonstrating poor behaviour.

We don’t see the underlying trauma, or the lack of appropriate role models, or the negative attention being better than being invisible.

The behaviour is where the attention falls, not the unmet needs of the kid. What’s really challenging about this is that even when the needs and supports are provided, improvements aren’t always immediately seen. They can be slow to show, because the kid doing the best they can doesn’t always change as fast as you’d want.

If you start with a belief that kids are always doing the best they can with the resources they have, then the behaviours become more understandable, and it becomes easier to be firm with high expectations and still treat a kid with the dignity and respect they deserve… even when their behaviour is less than ideal.