The lyrics of a Carley Simon song say, “You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you.”

I’ve heard again and again that this song is about James Taylor, whom she dated before she wrote this song. I’ve also heard that Warren Beatty believes it’s about him.

We all think that other people are thinking about us, that people are paying attention to us. In reality each person (to some degree) sees the world as revolving around them. This is especially evident in kids. It starts at a very young age when they play hide and seek, and they cover their own eyes believing that if they can’t see you, then you can’t see them. But then, all the way into their teens they see the world only through their eyes.

Then the grow up a bit, and they understand that the whole world isn’t seen from their perspective. Yet years later a small, passing joke about this now teenager may get a single laugh, and they believe that the entire world is laughing at them. Humiliation reigns when everyone else has already moved on to the next thing. 

Adults aren’t always better. They make a mistake and the closest they can get to an apology is “I am sorry you feel that way, that wasn’t my intention.” That’s not an apology, that’s ignorance of the hurt that you actually did. The unsaid part of that attempt at an apology is, “It’s absolutely your fault that you didn’t understand what I meant”. And I’m not sure who would consider that a real apology?

That’s vanity for you. In a young child it’s seeing the world only through your eyes. As a teenager it’s believing everyone is watching you. And as an adult it’s the belief that you are misunderstood but it’s not your fault. 

It takes humility to understand that you’re not all that important. It takes empathy to understand that other people think differently than you. And it takes honesty to recognize that your perspective is just one of many. Integrity isn’t built from a vain point of you, it is built from understanding that while the things you value are important, it’s also important to value the thoughts and opinions of people you care about.

And as cautionary tale, people who are vain do not deserve the same respect as those who are humble and wise. There is a difference between being humble, and being a pushover to people who do not give others the same respect that you do.