Tag Archives: relationships

Start with Good Intentions

I like to think that most people come at life with good intentions. I give people the benefit of the doubt that they are positive, honest, and want an outcome that is favourable for themselves and others.

Upset? Intentions were not met.

Angry? Someone else’s intentions did not match yours.

Hurt? Someone’s intentions were blind to your injury.

When someone does these things intentionally, well then I have to question where this came from? Sometimes selfishness blinds people to the way their intentions can harm others. Sometimes there is actual malice. There are people in the world that enjoy inflicting harm and pain, people who derive joy from being a bully, or who don’t care about others. But this is a minority of people.

Most people want to have positive experiences, and share those positive experiences with others. Sometimes though, they don’t have a road map to get there. This gets tricky sometimes, especially when more than two people are involved.

Trying to meet the needs of three different people can be a bit like playing rock/paper/scissors with three people. Sometimes all three will agree, but often there will be either two feeling like they came out good, and one disappointed, or vice versa, and occasionally all three will feel like they have lost something.

A good example of this can be a parent, teacher, and student meeting where they are dealing with a concern. The positive intentions are for everyone to leave the meeting on the same page, having addressed the concern in a positive way. On some level, everyone at the meeting wants the same thing… for the student to have a better learning experience. But that intention can be lost. Instead, the it becomes a game of rock/paper/scissors with three participants.

That’s when it’s important to go back to good intentions, and to focus on what people want to achieve. If anyone is upset, angry, or feels hurt, then it’s time to realign intentions. This isn’t necessarily easy, but when you start from a place where you believe that everyone has good intentions, it does make things easier… and more likely to end with a positive outcome.

3 sides to every story

It was my sister many years ago who said this to me the first time, but I’ve heard it many times since. There are 3 sides to every story: The first person’s perspective, the second person’s perspective, and somewhere in between there is the Truth.

We all want to feel that our experience is the Truth, but in reality we can’t always see where the other person is coming from. Relationships often have perceived truths that limit us from seeing the full Truth that lies in the middle. Our bias doesn’t have to come from malice, it can come from innocent ignorance. But when we see the bigger Truth, when we are reflecting back on a conversation, we can sometimes see our own flaws in perspective if we are honest with ourselves.

When this happens, we need to decide if it is more important to come back with the new Truth (or at least our perspective of it), or is it more important to concede that our truth was wrong, and think about how holding on to that truth affected the other person? Because even at this new juncture there might still be 3 sides to the story. Pause and reflect again. Maybe the relationship is more important than the Truth?

Opportunities not Obligations

Opportunities not obligations

We live in an era of obligations. Even the things we enjoy doing can sometimes feel more like a commitment and a chore. Then on top of that something else always seems to come up:

“No, unfortunately I can’t join you, I have my fitness class.”

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“Sorry, I’d love to, but I’m working late.”

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“I really wish I could, but I already have another obligation.”

While sometimes ‘I wish I could’ is actually, ‘thank the heavens I didn’t have to’, many times things come up that we really want to do, but our busy lives don’t allow it. You might have to turn down concert tickets, dinner, a beverage, or a dip in a hot tub. You really want to do these things but you have no choice but to apologize for not being able to indulge.

Recently, when I’ve provided opportunities for friends to connect, the moment they are unsure or can’t make it I say, “It’s an opportunity, not an obligation.” This does two things:

  1. It removes the need for an apology. No one is being let down. No one needs to feel guilty. You aren’t turning down an obligation, you simply had an opportunity presented and the opportunity is not one that can be taken advantage of at this time.
  2. It removes my own disappointment. It decreases expectations, and I don’t particularly like hearing my friends or colleagues apologize unnecessarily. It leaves me in a positive frame of mind. This opportunity didn’t work, I wonder if we can find another one soon?

You are not obligated to try this out yourself. Feel free to keep doing what you are doing if that works for you. However, you might want to try saying, ‘It’s an opportunity, not an obligation’, the next time a friend guiltily apologizes for not being able to meet with you. You have an opportunity to make that exchange feel better for both of you.

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Update: March 9, 2022 – More thinking on this topic: Opportunity not Obligation revisited