I can’t escape it. The end of the school year always fills me with melancholy. I don’t mean melancholy defined as ‘sadness and depression’ but rather ‘pensive reflection or contemplation’. Whether I consider the year good or bad, great or average, it doesn’t matter, I still feel I should have done more. I measure not so much my success but rather I face the loss of opportunity to have accomplished even greater things: Better connections to students and teachers; more engagement with the learning in classrooms; better work/life balance; and even more time out of my office.

It was a good year. It was made especially good because last year was such a challenge with my health among other things that were emotionally draining. And despite it being a really good year this year in comparison to the last, the melancholy fills me. I contemplate what else I could have done. I don’t allow myself the satisfaction of the year being positive, and the year ends not in celebration but in contemplation.

So, I’ll wallow in this feeling for a while. I’ll consider the ‘could have beens’ and the ‘should have beens’, and I’ll sit with the lost opportunities for a bit, as I do my year-end cleanup. Then in the coming weeks I’ll be able to look back with a clearer mind, and more positive perspective on the school year that was. But that appreciation can’t seem to arrive until I’ve gone through this contemplative headspace. It’s a year end process that I seem to require myself to go through, and today is the day it has decided to hit me.