I’ve been struggling to meditate recently. This is a cycle I go though, and I know it’s because I’ve never really and truly gotten into a meditative state. I intellectually understand that this is a journey that I’m on, and it’s the act of returning my attention to my breath or my point of focus that is the path. I understand that I have to be accepting of the journey I’m on, and to be open to the process.

I get it.

But I also don’t.

I still have yet to reach a state where I am not just redirecting my attention. Sure I’m more forgiving of myself while in the process, and I am quicker to return my attention than I was 4 or 5 years ago… but it’s not so much a meditation exercise as it is an attention exercise.

Every meditation session is a chance for my monkey brain to ‘try to’ quiet down for just a few minutes. That’s a positive thing, it’s not that I’m feeling like I’m wasting my time. I just feel like I’m not moving towards a truly meditative state. Maybe this is it for me? This is as quiet as my brain can get. Or maybe I need a retreat where I push myself for longer than a 15 minute guided meditation?

It just gets a little frustrating because it feels more like I’m on a giant learning plateau rather than a learning journey. It feels like I am working ever so slowly on an attention exercise and I really and truly don’t even know what meditation is? In any event, I’ll keep at it.