Tag Archives: parenting

The behaviour not the child

It is a simple thing to understand but not always an easy thing to do. When a kid messes up, you can focus on the behaviour that was inappropriate or you can address the kid as inappropriate. When you deal with the behavior, you give the kid a choice not to behave that way. When you deal with the kid, you are telling them that they are bad. Not what they did, they are bad.

What were you thinking? (That teenage brain probably wasn’t thinking.)

How could you do such a thing? (As opposed to ‘what other choices could you have made?’)

You should be ashamed of yourself! (Does the idea of shame make you feel resourceful and help you learn? I doubt it.)

Addressing the behaviour allows the kid to see that behaviour is a choice. Having them come up with alternate options is a way for them to see how their behaviour can change. It’s a way to help them see that the future can be different… just like in my 3rd part of an apology, students can see how a different behaviour can produce a more effective result.

You can be disappointed in a kid, but they need to know you are disappointed with their behaviour. Because if they decide that you are right, and they are just a disappointment… there isn’t the same incentive to change the behavior compared to if the kid feels empowered to change. If the kid feels like you believe they are not only capable of change but that the change is something you would expect from them, then the experience can lead to positive change… to positive changes in behaviour. A good kid can now show you that they made a bad choice.

You can’t have both

Sometimes you have to choose. You reach a fork in the road and you have to make a choice. Too often kids try to take two paths at the same time. They want the benefits of two competing options and so they try to do everything. Two sports with game times on the same day is a perfect example, but there are many more ways they try.

The hardest thing to tell a kid that wants to ‘do it all’ is to just pick one. Sometimes it’s a good life lesson to have them try both paths, but sometimes it’s better to draw a hard line and say ‘you have to choose’. Sometimes trying both means being successful in neither.

Successful people don’t spread themselves too thin. They don’t try to be the best at everything. They don’t half-commit to more things than they can handle. For a kid, sometimes a guiding hand is needed, and an ultimatum. As an adult it’s about drawing those lines yourself. It’s about being able to say ‘No’. It’s about understanding that you can’t always add more and still add value.

Sometimes the choice needs to be either/or, not both.

A dad’s secret

I love this.

I saw this TikTok last night and it really warmed my heart. A dad kept a childhood secret from his kid until she was 32 and had her own kids. Her dad would take her and her siblings to the beach to go shell fishing, but would go to a souvenir shop first and buy pretty shells. Then he’d throw them in the ripples of waves to be found.

How did she finally find out all these years later? Because he started doing it for her kids, his grandkids. Here is the video.

I grew up on a tropical beach. I still remember the joy of finding a beautiful, unbroken shell. I wish I did this for my kids… and one day I hope to do this for my grandkids.

No more teens

Tomorrow is my youngest daughter’s birthday. As of tomorrow my daughters will be 20 and 22, and I will no longer be the parent of a teenager. It has been incredible to watch these young girls transform into young women. They are still two wonderful kids in my eyes, but they are so mature, and grown up too.

I still remember holding them both in my arms for the first time, watching their first steps, and reading them bedtime stories. It doesn’t seem all that long ago… not all that long ago for me, but an entire lifetime for them.

I’ve been writing a letter to them in my head ever since my first daughter went off to university. Soon I’ll have to get it written down. For now it’s just an idea about first and last experiences. Perhaps I’ll share it here, but only with their permission… I’m writing it for them, they are my audience… my two grown up girls that will forever be my babies. The teen years may be over, but they are my kids and that will never grow old.

Children see, children do

This clip is 15 years old now, but still as powerful as when it was made:

It reminds me not just of kids copying bad behaviour, but the fact that they do indeed copy a whole lot of what adults do. Ever see a kid talking on the phone, mimicking their parents, speaking in baby-talk even before they can construct sentences? Ever see kids pretend to go to work? Ever see kids pushing a much-too-big-for-them shopping cart in a grocery store, putting items into it?

Kids copy our behaviour. They copy our good habits, our patterns of speech, and our kindness. And like the video, they copy our biases, our prejudices, and our bad habits. We model the world for our kids.

A funny aside to this is that parents will think to themselves, “I’m going to be a better parent than my own.” They reflect on things their parents did and think of different or better ways to raise their own kids. But this hilarious cartoon describes the end result:

Jokes aside, it matters how good our parents were, and it matters how good we are as parents. Our kids will take from us some good values and lessons that we intentionally give them, but they will also take a multitude of lessons from watching us and learning from us whether we intend them to or not. We are their role models and what children see, children do.

Spiral into TikTok time

I have a 30 minute timer for TikTok and I am committed to not going past that on work days. It’s crazy how the algorithm works. Before the self-administered time restraint, I could get sucked in for over an hour… Occasionally, on weekends, I still do. And my TikTok is nothing like my daughter’s, we are into completely different things.

What’s scary is how well the algorithm has me figured out. I can watch 20-30 short videos in a row without skipping one. It has completely figured out what I like, and feeds me related and relatable content. If you are a fan of Facebook or Instagram, you’ll notice the same thing.

But I’m someone who watches very little TV, and doesn’t spend much time on social media, and so 30 minutes is like sitting down to watch a single TV show. It’s entertainment for me and I allow myself that break.

But what about our younger generations? What kind of time are they spending sucked into attention algorithms designed to keep them engaged? Designed to keep them watching?

In China, they stop the Chinese version of TikTok, Douyin, from 10pm to 6am, and I’ve heard that they intentionally push educational content when it is on. This may seem draconian, but I’m not sure that letting addictive social media tools run rampant is a good idea. I’m not sure what balance looks like, but I am pretty sure that these tools are a bit too addictive to let them co-parent our kids.

Student involvement in meetings

When I recently quoted part of a post I wrote back in 2007, I shared this, “why do teachers have parent meetings about a teenage student’s education and not have the student there too?”

I can understand certain circumstances where a student might be too young, or the subject matter too sensitive for a student to participate in a meeting, but I’d guess from about grade 6 onwards, over 9/10 times it would be better if a parent-teacher meeting was a parent-student-teacher meeting. The ultimate question is, whose education is it? The students. So shouldn’t the student be part of the conversation? Shouldn’t the student see their parent and teacher both care and want what’s best for them… and are ‘on the same page’?

With that in mind, I think it’s awesome that at Inquiry Hub, students participate in Parent Advisory Council (PAC) meetings. We had one last night (online) and 3 students showed up, along with 18 parents. Last month one of them was on the agenda.

This started early on when our school was new. I began sending emails usually sent only to parents, to students as well. So when I mentioned the PAC meeting in an email a couple students asked if they could come too. When they came, the parents accepted their presence with open arms, and a tradition was started.

I can honestly say that students have only added value to the meetings. No downside. Parents love it. I love it. Students feel empowered. Students belong in conversations about their education, and their school.

Year-end Message to Parents

Yesterday I sent an email to our students and parents with our updated calendar for next year, and all the year-end and September details they need. Then I sent the email below just to parents:

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Greetings Inquiry Hub Parents,

I just sent a message to you and your child, but I wanted to take a moment and send one just to parents. I have been thoroughly impressed with the resilience of our students during the pandemic. They have put on a brave face and held together at a time when it seems the entire world has gone a little mad. When I see news these days, I often wish the adults would act with the maturity of some of the students at our school! That said, this will be a summer when students might be trying to let loose a little and want to push the envelope as restrictions are lifted. Quite frankly, they deserve the opportunity to have a little freedom this summer… but what that looks like will be different for different students and their families.

One of the biggest challenges that I have found being a parent is that through the teen years there is no perfect balance of our kids wanting more freedom and us wanting less control. Our kids always think they are old enough to do the things they want to do, and we are always worried about letting them make more and more grown up choices on their own… Be it spending their money on things we don’t think are smart, staying out later than we think they should, and everything from alcohol use, to friendships, to boyfriends and girlfriends, to technology use. It’s not easy to figure out, and what’s more baffling is that what works for one kid, doesn’t work for another, even in the same household. Kids don’t come with instructions, and if they did, I am certain they would be translated from another language and hard to follow anyways. 😉

Below I’ve shared two resources that will take a total of 3 minutes of your time. Each will take a minute and a half, the first being a Facebook video and the second being a short read. I hope you enjoy them both, and maybe they might help you the next time you are faced with a challenging moment with one of your children.

It has been a year of loss and challenges for many, and at this time, I hope you all enjoy the time you have with your kids. Mine are 19 and 21 now, and while our relationships are wonderful, I do look back and wonder where the time went? I wonder what more I could have done with them while they were still part of a family under one roof. This is my way of saying, have a safe and wonderful summer with your kids, and as old as they think they are… they are still your kids, make the most of it!

Regards,

Dave 

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You are the roller coaster safety bar for your teen. 

By Josh Shipp

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Dear Mom and Dad, Please Stick With Me

by Helene Wingens (Source)

 

Dear Mom and Dad, 

Please stick with me. 

I can’t think clearly right now because there is a rather substantial section of my prefrontal cortex missing. It’s a fairly important chunk, something having to do with rational thought. You see, it won’t be fully developed until I’m about 25. And from where I sit, 25 seems a long way off. 

My brain is not yet fully developed

It doesn’t matter that I’m smart; even a perfect score on my math SAT doesn’t insulate me from the normal developmental stages that we all go through. Judgement and intelligence are two completely distinct things. 

And, the same thing that makes my brain wonderfully flexible, creative and sponge-like also makes me impulsive. Not necessarily reckless or negligent but more impulsive than I will be later in life. 

Please stick with me.

So when you look at me like I have ten heads after I’ve done something “stupid” or failed to do something “smart,” you’re not really helping.

You adults respond to situations with your prefrontal cortex (rationally) but I am more inclined to respond with my amygdala (emotionally). And when you ask, “What were you thinking?” the answer is I wasn’t, at least not in the way you are. You can blame me, or you can blame mother nature, but either way, it is what it is.  

At this point in my life, I get that you love me, but my friends are my everything. Please understand that. Right now I choose my friends, but, don’t be fooled, I am watching you. Carefully. 

Please stick with me. 

Here’s what you can do for me

1. Model adulting

I see all the behaviors that you are modeling and I hear all of the words you say. I may not listen but I do hear you. I seem impervious to your advice, like I’m wearing a Kevlar vest but your actions and words are penetrating. I promise. If you keep showing me the way, I will follow even if I detour many, many times before we reach our destination. 

2. Let me figure things out for myself.

If you allow me to experience the consequences of my own actions I will learn from them. Please give me a little bit of leash and let me know that I can figure things out for myself. The more I do, the more confidence and resilience I will develop.

3. Tell me about you.

I want you to tell me all the stories of the crazy things you did as a teen, and what you learned from them. Then give me the space to do the same.

4. Help me with perspective.

Keep reminding me of the big picture. I will roll my eyes at you and make all kinds of grunt-like sounds. I will let you know in no uncertain terms that you can’t possibly understand any of what I’m going through. But I’m listening. I really am. It’s hard for me to see anything beyond the weeds that I am currently mired in. Help me scan out and focus on the long view. Remind me that this moment will pass.

5. Keep me safe.

Please remind me that drugs and driving don’t mix. Keep telling me that you will bail me out of any dangerous situation, no anger, no lectures, no questions asked. But also let me know over and over and over that you are there to listen, when I need you. 

6. Be kind.

I will learn kindness from you and if you are relentless in your kindness to me, someday I will imitate that behavior. Don’t ever mock me, please and don’t be cruel. Humor me-I think I know everything. You probably did as well at my age. Let it go. 

7. Show interest in the things I enjoy.

Some days I will choose to share my interests with you, and it will make me feel good if you validate those interests, by at least acting interested.

One day when the haze of adolescence lifts, you will find a confident, strong, competent, kind adult where a surly teenager once stood. In the meantime, buckle in for the ride. 

Please stick with me. 

Love,

Your Teenager 

Wanting attention at any cost

I had a student in my gym class, a very long time ago, who was the biggest victim of bullying in the school. I was always having to look out for him, but not so much because kids would outright pick on him, but rather because he was a danger to himself. I know what this sounds like, it sounds like I’m blaming the victim… And this can be a very sensitive topic, but it is something that happens often.

This kid would call a much bigger kid stupid after the bigger kid messed up a play. He would pester someone who wasn’t involved in the play, away from the ball. He would kick a ball out of bounds for no reason. He would constantly put himself in compromising positions almost as if he was using himself as bait.

This kind of behaviour is really challenging to deal with. It seems that some kids want and need attention and are somehow internally rewarded by any attention – good or bad. This ‘attention at any price’ motivation is challenging to understand. Often when positive attention was given to this kid it was almost always followed by seeking negative attention… as if the positive attention wasn’t enough.

Give the kid a compliment, minutes later he’s egging on someone. He scores a goal, moments later he’s picking up the ball rather than kicking it, and stopping the game. He gets a point in capture the bean bag, and in the next play he keeps running after he is tagged. It’s like, ‘that attention was good, but it’s gone and I need more’.

I can only understand this behaviour as attention seeking, because I can’t understand it through another lens. I don’t see any other benefit to the behaviour. It only makes sense to me as attention seeking. But I don’t know why a kid sees this as positive? And it plays out in many ways, and not always with kids like this who help to make themselves targets of others.

Please know that there are many times that students are picked on unfairly, and bullying is an issue that is dealt with in schools all the time. Many students do not deserve the wrath they face. Bullies have often been victimized themselves in some way, and they too are often attention seeking, with a difference in that they seek attention through power. I’m not saying in any way that a victim of bullying deserves to be bullied.

What I am saying is that we don’t always know or understand how or why some people will choose to seek attention? And, this behaviour can often invite negative attention as much as positive attention. Maybe being hated feels better than being ignored. Maybe someone’s anger feels better than their disdain. Maybe feeling something is better than feeling nothing at all.

When I’m dealing with misbehaviour, I always try to understand the motivation behind the behaviour. Often that’s where the healing has to start. But when the motivation seems to be attention, it can be really hard to understand what is behind that need, and how the behaviour meets that need. I find negative attention-seeking perplexing, and don’t always get to the heart of the issue.

The hardest part of it is that the negative behaviour that draws the attention often brings desired consequences… For example, a kids draws an inappropriate picture on another student’s work. This is dealt with by a teacher and the teacher’s consequences are a form of negative attention that completes the attention-seeking loop. So, the consequence given enforces the attention-seeking behaviour, rather than teaches any kind of positive behaviour change.

I can’t say that I’m particularly good at finding the root cause of attention-seeing behaviour. It’s not always apparent or obvious. Students can be complex; their wants and needs can be hard to understand. When it comes to seeking negative attention, I don’t think students always know or understand their own motives, and even if they do, they struggle to articulate these motives in an uncomfortable conversation with adults. It can really be challenging to deal with students who seek negative attention or desire attention regardless of whether it is positive or negative.

Falling fairies

It was meant to be funny, but it was mean. Not one of proudest moments as a dad.

My oldest daughter was three, and we were outside, playing in the fresh snow on a weekend morning. The snow was deep, but way too fluffy and soft for a snowman. I went over to the huge tree in our front yard, covered in snow, branches laden with powdered snow, and decided it would be funny to shake the snow onto my daughter. A harmless joke.

I called here over. ‘Come here’.

“Why”

I gently pulled a branch lower. “Come over here.’

“Why”

‘If you listen carefully you can hear the tree fairies sing.’

My daughter came over, trying to listen, and I shook the branch. Puffy snowflakes came falling down into her. This wasn’t a dump of snow, it was a powdering, but still, a solid covering of her toque and face.

And then the tears came so fast that I couldn’t even laugh. Thank goodness because that would have been meaner that it already was. I gave her a hug and she cried on my shoulder. I realized my mistake and hugged her tight. At this point I did laugh embarrassingly, but held it in, my body shaking as I held back the noise, still hugging her and hiding my guilty grin. ‘Oh, I’m so sorry sweetie, it was just a joke.’

My mistake wasn’t dumping snow on her, that would have been funny. It was the comment about the fairies that was hurtful. I played on the gullibility of a three year old who really believed she was going to hear a tree fairy. When I tricked her, it wasn’t just a prank by dad for the sake of a joke, it was a betrayal, and a disappointment that made the betrayal actually hurt.

She got over it pretty quickly, and we were back to playing and having fun a few moments after the tears. Now that she’s almost 21, I’m sure this isn’t a scarring memory that she’ll end up needing therapy for, but it was not a great parenting moment for me.

We don’t always realize the way we hurt people with the things we say. To us it’s nothing but a lighthearted joke, a little poke, a passing comment. But to the receiver it can be more. It was falling fairies, not falling snow, that really hurt my daughter.

We don’t always see how our words and actions can really affect others. We say ‘It’s not a big deal’, others feel it really is. We see misunderstanding, others see malcontent. We see honest mistakes, others see betrayal. What others hear and feel is far more important than what we think they hear and feel.

And sometimes a sincere apology, or even a hug, can go a long way in mending fallen feelings.

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A related story, “T’was two nights after Christmas… A story of lost innocence.“